DisneyNerdPalooza, Part 4: Pooh Doesn't Care about Your Feelings.

To make up for neglecting this blog so thoroughly, I am giving you this delicious morsel:  More of my Disney vacation. What?  You didn't want that. Well, that's just un-American. Anyway. . . .

It's now Tuesday and we've been at  Disney World since Saturday.  The weather had gotten a bit cooler.   We'd planned this to be an easy day because we had a sitter coming at 4:00.  The kids had other ideas and got up early, so we were out sooner than usual and headed to the Magic Kingdom. At this point on our trip, we'd only been there for a couple of hours, so Iwas looking forward to it. 

Here's where I get the idea that I'm some sort of Disney expert:  I tell my husband that rather than deal with the parking lot/tram/ferry or monorail on the way to the Magic Kingdom, we're going to park at Epcot (which has a smaller parking lot so no need for a tram) and get on the monorail.  Remember, it's actually very complicated to get to the Magic Kingdom (unless you go by resort bus):  You have to park at the Ticket and Transportation Center (TTC), ride a tram (or have a potentially long walk) and then take the ferry or the monorail to the park.  So my plan is that we'll ride to the TTC and transfer to the Magic Kingdom monorail, thereby avoiding the need for a tram (which we can't use because of the stroller). Well, this works brilliantly as it doesn't require us to take the twins out of the stroller once and muck around, but it's time consuming even on a slow day with no waits for the monorail and I don't recommend it.  I just wanted to try it.  I'd still recommend it if you absolutely don't want to deal with all the stroller issues getting to the Magic Kingdom, but otherwise, it's a lame shortcut.  Don't do it.

Anyway, we get to the parks and they are relatively uncrowded.  It's a good day. We take our yearly photo in front of the large Christmas tree in Town Square as we come in (always on the right, in case you're wondering) and head off to . . . somewhere. 

Here's the thing about little kids:  There's not much they can do at Disney World. I mean, it's not like you can take a two-year old on a rollercoaster. So you're kind of limited to some really slow rides like "It's a Small World" and "Winnie the  Pooh."  I hate that Winne the Pooh ride, by the way.  Anyway, the twins loved what they could do and they also loved running around.  I swear, It's a Small World is like toddler crack.  I like it too, but I think I'm the rare adult who thoroughly enjoys it. There, I admitted I'm weird. Happy? 

At this point, I'd like to offer you some free advice regarding It's a Small World:  You know when they say "keep your head and arms inside the boat"?  That's really good advice.  I leaned over just a little bit to take a photo of the kids and nearly ended up decapitated.  Think of how bad my trip would have been if I'd had to go around without a head. Exactly.  Okay, digression over.

Next my husband and I make a rookie mistake and attempt to take all the kids on Pirates of the Carribean.  Honestly, there's nothing really scary in this attraction, but the kids must think it's some fiery pit of hell because they hated it.  Lesson learned:  If their eyes are as big as saucers and they don't want to do it, just get out of line. 

After our ill-fated attempt, we split up and I took my daughter and went and got fastpasses for Buzz Lightyear Space Ranger Spin.  I let my daughter walk all the way across the park and she loved it.  In fact, she enjoyed her freedom so much that she walked right up to a kiosk selling Toy Story merchandise and refused to leave until I bought her a Buzz Lightyear shirt and then demanded that I put it on her right there.  While we waited for the boys, we got in line to meet Buzz and that's when the poop hit the fan.

Poop?  Hitting the fan?  Yes.  My husband lost a kid.  Somehow the boy twin got away from him and while running after him, the big one ran in another direction.  Here's a bit of foreshadowing:  This was a bit of an issue during this trip.  So, there I am waiting in line and I see him, that panicked look on his face. He stands there for a second before he says that he can't find out seven-year old. What?  I'm freaking out. I take the boy twin who immediately causes some line discord by running to the front and clinging onto Buzz Lightyear for dear life. He probably figured that Buzz was a hell of a lot less likely to lose him than my husband.  Meanwhile, my daughter is running all over the place. Did I mention you can't have strollers in these lines.

 Thankfully, a couple from Gainsville (major Disney nerds, as I found out earlier while waiting) watched my daughter while I grabbed my son.  In fact, the whole line basically watched one or the other as it was pretty much impossible to keep two of them from running off while waiting in this particular type of line (some are better than others).  Meanwhile, I hear nothing from the husband. I'm totally freaking out. You know that feeling?  About five minutes later, he comes back with our son, looking sweaty and relieved. It turns out our kid did exactly what he was supposed to do:  Went up to a Disney cast member (damn it, that's what they like to be called) and asked for help.

Okay, so here's another fine lesson for you:  Don't lose your kids. Make sure they know to go to a cast member if they do.

After meeting Buzz, we rode Carousel of Progress.  I love this ride. My favorite part is when the dad says "I just blew the whole neighborhood again."  Don't tell me I'm the only one.  We rode Buzz after that using our Fastpasses.  I don't think the twins were all that thrilled but I got a really high score and completely nerded out.  It was embarassing.
Unfortunately, we had a lunch reservation at 11:30, so their fun was cut short.

Have you ever eaten a sit-down meal in the Magic Kingdom?  Not the counter service, which is . . . okay, slightly better than mall food court food.  I mean a real sit down meal.  Well, in all these years of going to Disney, I'd never eaten in this park, so I was curious to try it.  There are only three sit-down places in the Magic Kingdom so we settled on the one that had a buffet, Crystal Palace.

It's cute, right?  and it's cute inside too. Plus, it's "character dining," which basically means that characters come around to your table and say "howdy."  This place has Pooh and friends.  Great for little kids, of course.

Okay, you know how I really love Disney?  How I'm kind of a big sucker for all things Mouse? Well, I didn't love the food in this place. Now in all fairness, the food was about ten times better than your average buffet, but it was still a buffet. They had lots of stuff for kids, which isn't always the case in Disney World buffets, surprisingly.  And there was plenty of it.  It was just sort of there and by "there" I don't mean sitting there growing soggy and cold, I mean "there" as in a bit blah.  I will say, the desserts were amazing.  Keep in mind that they're serving about a bazillion folks a day, so they're probably doing the best they can.  Plus, lots of drink refills.  Don't forget to tip your server well because the next customer who comes in won't be as nice as you are.

Anyway, the whole point of this place is meeting Pooh and his little friends. I actually didn't care about the character meeting; I just wanted to eat there and I had the dining plan.  They came around to the table individually and pose for pictures. We got all the minor characters, who were great.  Maybe they just feel they have to be better than Pooh since Pooh is the star. But when we got to Pooh, we'll Pooh was clearly phoning it in and did not give a damn. We even mentioned it to the server, who joked that Pooh probably had a rough night the night before. 

Post-lunch, we leave and I take the kids and hit the pool while the husband checks up on some work.  Here's the pool at Kidani Village: 

Here's another one, this time leading to the "water park" area.

This was probaly a highlight of the trip. It's actually zoned as a water park it's so big.  The kids loved it and we vowed to come back. Unfortunately, it got colder after that, so we didn't, but it's definitely a must-do if you're staying at Animal Kingdom Lodge. 

Next up:  My husband and I actually go out on a date, we see our neighbors again, and conquer Splash Mountain.

This Woman is Not Fat.

Since we're on a boob theme here, how about this:  The photo on the left was distorted to prove the author's point, some broad over at the New York Times who took umbridge with "big girl" Christina Hendricks and this dress.  Really?  I hate to break it to her, but this woman is not "big."  Look at her arms. Yes, she has a big chest. She also has a tiny waist.  Yeah, she's totally fat.  I can't believe they found enough cloth to cover her.  Not.

Okay, the dress is ugly.  More here.

There's nothing at all wrong with her figure.  In fact, to quote Michael K over at Dlisted (not for the delicate), every night I'm going to show my pillows this picture and scream "be more like this!"    And he's gay!

What a mean lady.  I bet she doesn't even like soft kittens and warm puppies.

New and Improved Star.

I had this terrible roommate the last few months when I was in the army.  Honestly, I've never met anyone as unpleasant and possibly unhinged as Star.  Yes, that was her name.  Star.  Who names their daughter Star?  It's almost like they were setting her up for failure.  Anyway, she once became enraged because she found out I was raised in California and she couldn't believe that someone as "dorky" as me came from her home state. Bizarro.  Besides that, she looked like one of those Jersey Shore housewives.  The thing about an army base is that a reasonably attractive, young female is rarely without a fleet of male admirers, but Star was so vile, even with the numbers well in her favor, none of them even bothered with her.

The other day she popped into my head so I googled her. Her name is very distinctive so she was easy to find. Anyway, there she was:  Star.  With giant boobs.

Now, this is only important if you know that when I knew her, she didn't even require a bra. Not even for running, which she would have done if she hadn't always been getting doctor's excuses to avoid doing it.

Big, enormous boobs. Still apparently an ass, as she was on all these cheapo dating sites.   I almost felt bad for her.

Bless her heart.

I just felt I should share. Behold the power of Google, people.

This is the funniest blog you will ever read.

http://iasshole.org/

You know how people tell you that and you think they're full of crap?  Well, I'm serious.  Although you may never view your local librarian the same way again.

Be forewarned that it's a bit vulgar but don't play all sweet with me, Missy.  I know you talk like that too.

Go read.

DisneyNerdPalooza Part Drei, Number Two: The Germans Really Don't "Do" Buffets, You know.

I have never seen a buffet in Germany.  It's true.  In fact, I would even venture so far as to say that a buffet is rather un-German.  Germans don't stirke me as the kind of folks who belly up to the trough for massive amounts of schnitzel and sausage. They much prefer their massive amounts of schnitzel and sausage to be brought to them. 

In case you don't know, there's a big buffet in the German pavillion at  Epcot called the Biergarten. They also sell beer there, if the name doesn't give that away for you.  I once read somewhere that 26.2 miles of sausage are served every 60 days in the German pavillion. Somehow,  serving an entire marathon's length of sausage makes the sausage I had there seem less special, don't you think?  I mean, it's not like I expected every sausage to be handmade by some local artisan using locally sourced, organic ingredients, but you know, I also didn't expect my sausage to be so . . . mass produced, you know?  I feel cheap.  But anyway, that's not all they serve. They also serve schnitzel (too thick) and salads and bread and desserts. The desserts are really good. Everything is okay, really. It's not a bad deal unless you have picky kids (which I do) and all they eat is the bread.

Now, here's another thing.  I lived in Germany for a couple of years and I loved it.  It's beautiful.  The people are friendly, going against the stereotype that you sometimes hear about.  But one thing I remember is this:  Some Germans think we're, how can I put this, unsophisticated.  I mean, you can't blame them.   I'm sure we Americans seem generally happy and uncomplicated, especially when you compare our history (let's leave out that whole civil rights thing) in the last 100 years and theirs.  I was never treated poorly in Germany, it was just this sort of feeling that we were, um, not as wordly as they are.  And when you think about it, as much as I love Epcot, the German pavillion at Epcot kind of exemplifies this. The miniature Rathouse and castle walls, the food, the tchockes in the shops.  It all kind of feeds into that.  Still, I pressed on, motivated by the promise of a marathon length knockwurst.

At the Biergarten, they seat you can communal tables which, cleverly, is exactly how they'd do it in a real biergarten in Germany.  The family at our table didn't seem too happy to see us.  In fact, the mom appeared to be a bit tipsy and the dad appeared to be on his way as well.  As we would later discover, they were on their eight day at Disney and were a bit tired.  And also drunk; thank goodness for Disney transportation.  Their kid was some variation of the perfect blonde toddler. Very well-behaved.  Clearly they weren't looking forward to sitting next to three loud, bouncy kids. 

Anyway, the buffet experience. Let me just give you some cheap advice right now:  If you're a mom and taking a few kids out to eat, skip the buffet. It will be, I'm guessing, the same experience you have at home, where you are up and down a dozen times and never get to eat. At least that's how it worked for us.  I would take a bite and get up to get the kids more food, which is strange now that I think about it because they didn't actually appear to eat anything.

Our waiter was very sweet, a nice German kid from somewhere up North in, you guessed it, Germany.  He didn't at any point make me feel like a stupid American and I refrained from offering him chocolate bars and silk stockings.  At some point, a German band played and my boy twin danced in his seat, which was cute.  Interesting Epcot trivia:  In the early days of Epcot, Disney couldn't find any real German musicians who wanted to play in Orlando so they had to recruit German Americans to do it.  Rumor has it, they had them speak with a fake German accent.   They apparently have plenty of Germans working there now because really, who wouldn't want to work in Epcot playing an accordian?  I mean, particularly if you're an accordian player, that has to be a pretty sweet gig.

So, we're sitting at this table with another family who is doing their best to ignore us and we are doing our best to ignore them as well, because we're Americans and we don't share tables.  Maybe it gives us all bad flashbacks of the middle school cafeteria.  But halfway through the meal, the mom, motivated by the fact that her daughter is grabbing my arm, says "We were just saying that if we had three children we'd kill ourselves."

Well, how's that for a how do you do?  Really.

Somehow we got to talking and she explained that she'd been through infertility and that they wanted another one.  It also turned out she was a lot older than she looked, so they were fighting that as well.  I directed her to some blogs. Seemed like a nice woman.  We probably stayed an extra 30 minutes talking about our various experiences with infertility, which was nice.  I kept the kids quiet by feeding them numerous, small desserts. We exchanged email addresses, but you know how that goes.

My verdict on my first Disney buffet experience:  It was good.  By buffet standards, it was excellent.  Go.  Maybe you'll sit next to an infertile lady who will discuss her lady parts with you while you eat your schnitzelgruben.

Afterwards we took the boat back to Hollywood Studios and then headed back to the room, letting the rest of the day just go to waste.  We were still having record breaking heat and none of us wanted to be outside.  The Magic Kingdom was open late that night and I was hoping that the husband would let me take our older son out, which he would have done.  Unfortunately, our son had different plans and wanted to go with his father.  I fed the twins, put them to bed and at some point, I passed out on the fold-out couch. 

Next up:  Pooh phones it in at the Crystal Palace and the husband and I go out on a date.

I know I've been neglecting this blog, so here's a delicious little morsel for you tonight.

I can't stop singing this song, it's so completely and utterly ridiculous. Besides, some of you have probably dated this guy.

DisneyNerdPalooza Nummer Drei: Hold Onto Your Lederhosen; We're Invading the German Pavillion.

On day three of our adventure, we actually attempted to get to the parks on time.  We figured Hollywood Studios would be an easy park to do this in, since the parking lot is small and easy to transverse. We got there at park opening, scoffed at the wimps using the trams, and split up, with the husband and older kid going to the Jedi Training Academy and me taking the other two over to get Fastpasses for Toy Story Mania. 

Here's the thing about TSM. It's very popular.  So if you want to ride it, you're going to need a fastpass.  For those not in the know, a fastpass allows you to go into an attraction without waiting in line (in theory). You put your park ticket in the machine and it gives you a return time.  You can't get another fastpass until just before that return time, by the way, which is kind of a bummer. Anyway, with TSM, there's actually a line for the fastpass, so we got in line, waiting about 15 mintues.  It was pretty efficient with only one or two riots breaking out.  While in line I met a twin momma on vacation by herself and we chatted about things only twin moms know (things you don't want to know, like how to feed two babies at once).  She confessed to being at Disney alone; love it.  Even though we got our fastpasses by 9:20, our return time was already in the 11:30 to 12:30 timeframe.

And then I ran into someone else, only this time, it was someone I actually know and not someone I only "know" from his witty facebook status updates:  My neighbors.  They're huge Disney fans and it turns out they were also staying at Animal Kingdom Lodge.  Oddly enough, I would end up seeing these people more at Disney than I have the entire last year, including the time I dropped in to bring them some Christmas cookies.  I really like them. I'm not sure why they don't want to be my best friends.

Afterwards, I headed over to the Jedi  Training Academy, which is this cute little show they put on with the kids where the kids learn to be Jedis, hence the name "Jedi Training Academy."  Last year my oldest wasn't picked and he spent the entire vacation asking us sad questions like "Don't they know I'm a Jedi?" so I wanted to make sure he got picked this time.  It's funny because last time, my husband and I, not knowing what he needed to do to get picked, told him to be really polite and raise his hand like they are taught in school, which is actually the opposite of how you get picked.  I'd read that parents would dress their kids up like characters or hold up signs that said "Pick this Jedi" and really, it sounded a bit over the top. Still, I was willing to do it.  Fortunately they've recently changed how kids are picked:  You line up and wait and they take groups of 15 through about once an hour; during busier times, they might take twice that many kids through. While this can be a pain--we waited until 10:50--it's also more equitable and ensures that the loudest kids aren't the ones who are always picked.

Since we had such a long wait, I spent my time on the phone with Disney Dining trying to rearrange our lunch reservation, which we would miss due to our fastpass return time.  I mean, there was no way I was going to miss riding TSM with the kids.  Luckily, I got a later seating, so it wasn't a problem. I let the kids run around the park for a bit but after about 30 minutes (which incidently, coincided with the park getting really crowded) they both took off in different directions in a store and I put them both back in the stroller.  Thank goodness for the cast member, an older lady, who caught one while I was strapping the other one in.  This also resulted in the boy twin's first and only hissyfit for the day, a good ten minute scream fest which was quieted down by the magic of Disney's cheese danish.

Now, let me just digress and tell you about this danish. First of all, it's huge.  But you needn't worry about calories or fat because you're at Disney.  Personally, I always lose a few pounds down there and am always surprised when people come back from a Disney trip saying they gained weight.  You're on your feet all day, right?  You're walking the entire time.  You desere the danish.  Anyway, these danishes are just so good I always have a couple while I'm down there. They're not flaky like a traditional danish and in fact, the bakery near my house that makes real danishes would have a fit ove these even being called danishes. They're more doughy and sweet.  The filling is like a little cheesecake.  I'm obsessed with these things, really.  You should try one.

Once calmed down (me as well), we headed over to Jedi Training Acadmey.  It was funny and the kids were adorable.   The guy who put on our show was particularly hilarious and, as I told my husband, I think I have a non-sexual crush on him, although I also refrained from telling him that he also looks a bit like my ex-husband, although maybe he knows that since he actually went to graduate school with my ex-husband and happened to know him long before he ever knew me.  Don't worry.  I'm still true blue for the Manilow and Anderson Cooper and RASFTGD, but you know, like the Haunted Mansion, there's always room for one more.  Anyway, after that we went over to see the live show of Beauty and the Beast.  The singing is live and if you think that Disney performers are just locals with a little talent, this show would prove that assumption wrong. They are really very good and many of them have done shows on Broadway.

The kids all loved this. The grown ups loved it.  You can see how much the audience loves this show.  I highly recommend it.  It's one of those Disney magic things that you either get or  you don't get and really, if you don't get it, you probably aren't reading this.

Finally, it was time for our fastpass return. In fact, it was almost passed our return time. This is the problem with fastpasses:  You're scheduling everything else around it.  The kids really enjoyed the ride. I mean, how could you not.  I really love "breaking" the plates.  Then we had to hurry over to Epcot for lunch, because we were invading Germany and taking as many sausages as possible hostage.  I got the brilliant idea that we could avoid taking a bus to Epcot by taking the boats that run from Hollywood Studios to the back of Epcot (and therefore closer to where we were eating).  It ended up being a nice 25 minute ride over there.  It was a bit hot and there's no  air conditioning on the boat, but the twins slept through most of it and we just stared that theme park stare, probably missing all the nice sights as we floated along the canal.  We were tired and hungry.

Of course, it's a bit of a haul even from the back entrance to Germany, especially when you're hungry and have several children to transport over there. 

Here's a picture that I stole from somewhere on the internet:

Does it look familiar to you?  That's because it's where they filmed the Werther's candy commerical.  You know the one, with the little kid all excited about some hard candy?  Yes, that one.

Here's another one:

I totally feel like yodeling right now.

Next up:  We make it to Germany where the waiters pretend that they don't think we're stupid Americans, we forget to look at the trains (again), and we meet an infertile lady who tells me her life story.  You know, the usual.